Serving Your Spouse Well

Jul 28, 2022

There is a way to serve your spouse that is extremely powerful, yet rarely makes into the “Top 10” list of popular ways to serve: let your spouse into what’s really happening deep in your heart.

When I say let your spouse in, I’m not talking about the surface that says, “I’m mad because you’re not listening!” I’m talking about the more tender, vulnerable part of you that says, “When it seems like you’re not listening, that dominos straight down to my insecurity. I can’t help but ask, ‘What is so deficient in me that I’m not worth your attention?’ I want to jump out of skin when I feel that way!” It’s letting your spouse access the bedrock inside your heart that makes this service to your partner so powerful.

You know that feeling you get when someone entrusts you with something precious? The sense of inclusion when someone gives you insider information? That is why this kind of serving works so well. We naturally feel honored when someone gives us access to the holy-of-holies in our heart.

I get to see it play out in my counseling office all the time: One spouse fears sharing what’s really happening in their heart because they fear it will “make things worse” or “just pile the pain even higher”. After some encouragement, they take the risk and share their heart anyway – and this is when the magic happens. They are amazed to find that their spouse feels relief, feels better, feels closer to them, rather than getting angry or hurt.

When we serve our spouse by getting vulnerable and owning our own feelings, that helps them serve us back with kindness and empathy. Why? Because when we give them a VIP all-access pass to the most precious places in our soul, they feel it in their soul. The God-designed physics of relationship kick in and they automatically start to feel honored, valuable, included, connected, chosen, cherished, and worth it.

Now…I don’t blame you if you’re thinking, “This all sounds great, but I’ve tried telling my spouse how I feel and it keeps blowing up in my face!” I wish that wasn’t so common, but it is. So, why does this beautiful potential vanish into thin air so often? I explain the two core reasons in the next blog entry. You can find it here.